I know I am not big
The other day I was causally chatting with my colleague about diet, exercise, feeling fat/thin and the pressure around it. “You know, my parents keep saying I am big, even when I lost weight. I have decided that whatever they say will not matter to me anymore, even if they will comment that I am…
Do we need to love ourselves before loving others?
I am sure everyone has heard this phrase before: “Love yourself first before loving others”. I, for a while, believed in this phrase too. Until reality hit me. I was convinced I could not love anyone due to my severe depression which led me to hate myself. Until… I did. Even with depression. As soon…
You look thinner, you ok?
Last week I went to the dietologist. As always, we start the visit with general chatting, and then the moment comes, I step on the scale to see my progress. Although I lost weight, I convinced myself that I failed that week because it was not as much as a weight loss as in the…
Wanting to call home
The other day I picked up the phone to call my mum, like thousands of times before, but my feeling was different. I wanted to call her. In the past I mostly called her because she was pressing me to do so, tapping into my sense of guilty. “You never call”, “when we call you…
As a kid I grew up with two parents which had not be able to take care of themselves. This resulted in me assimilating some bad habits. My mum has never recovered completely since the divorce. She needed affection, and she put it on me. “Do you love me? Why do you never hug me?…
Book review – The opposite of butterfly hunting by Evanna Lynch
As a great fan of Harry Potter and cosplayer of Luna Lovegood, I could not avoid reading this book. And it was a good idea! Evanna writes about her anorexia in a honest, compelling manner, and I love to read honesty when it comes to mental illnesses. It’s too easy to go google remedies for…
Happy birthday, fatty!
On 26th of June it was my birthday. It has been such a wonderful day, I spent it with my boyfriend who made me feel loved. I received a call from home once I sent my parents the picture above. It was my mum. “Happy birthday! Hope you are having fun! Anyway, you should lose…
I was asked how I am always happy
The other day my housemate asked me how I manage to be always happy. I was about to say “well you don’t know me”. Which is what I would usually say when someone commented on my happiness. But… I realised my housemate in fact has seen me only after my depression recovery. And that is…
Poetry Wednesday #8 – on sunset
She was as beautifulas the other side of the sunset:only a few notice itbut when they dothey never turn backto lookat the setting sun I wrote this when I realised that people shine in different ways: some are the setting sun, some are the pastel colours reflected on the clouds.
Poetry Wednesday #7 – on loving life
I was loving you so hard I forgot the idea of a future, of something concrete to hold on. I got lost in you and nothing could take me back. All I needed was to love life, not to love you. I wrote this when I realised how much time I spend after someone who…