Emotional lessons

As a kid I grew up with two parents which had not be able to take care of themselves. This resulted in me assimilating some bad habits.

My mum has never recovered completely since the divorce. She needed affection, and she put it on me. “Do you love me? Why do you never hug me? Do not leave me alone!” were common phrases I often heard from her. I grew up with a sense of guilt which overpowered my emotions because of these remarks, as I believed that it was my fault for not showing or feelings emotions the right way.

My mum is also a compulsive liar, and I believe she is so because she is too ashamed of her own actions or thoughts sometimes, even if they are completely harmless. Naturally I started to lie to her as a payback and to lie to others to protect myself. I overcame this as I realised that everybody makes mistakes, and the best way to solve them is admit them and work on them.

When my dad gets angry, he shouts and says things he does not mean. This knowledge does not make it easier, as I get hurt anytime he acts like this. I started picking up this behaviour, but luckily I realised that it was a harmful one, so I worked on myself to stop it and become calmer.

These experiences trapped me in a vortex of negative feelings and habits which suffocated me for years until I found the way to step out and slowly rebuild my soul. To look at the bright side, I learnt some things about myself and what I want and do not want in my relationships with others. I jotted down a list to remind myself that that pain has really been useful.

  • I do not want to depend on others emotionally. The moment I feel like I am depending on someone is the moment I take a step back and heal myself before going on with that relationship.
  • I do not want to be with someone who shouts. The moment they do it I will demand a change in behaviour or else I will leave them.
  • I won’t manipulate others into guilt.
  • I won’t put my emotional distress on to an unreasonable extent; the moment I realise it is a matter to be talked with the psychologist and/or I get told that my thoughts are causing distress in the other person is the moment I will refer to a specialist.
  • If in emotional need when and if I have kids I will not put it on them. No phrases such as “give me a kiss, give me a hug, I need you”, I will let them free to chose how and when to show affection. If I behave in this way towards them I will promptly apologise. They won’t feel like they are my parents like I felt I was my mum’s mum.
  • I will forgive myself for the feelings I have as I cannot control them. What I can control is my actions.
  • I will not lie and take  responsibility for my own actions, as I want people to trust me and I want to be open about my mistakes, as after all we are only human.

I believe that from negative backgrounds we can learn something positive, it is just a matter of finding what and use it to make ourselves better people.

Let me know what you think and if you have any emotional lessons to share!

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