This post is about how my dad got taken over by work and treated me and others very badly. It has been difficult for me to witness his changes of mood and to understand that I was not the cause and that I did not deserve his treatment.
My dad has always shouted when angry. He gets otbursts of, say, half an hour, then he calms down. But while in those outburts it is very difficult to stay put and not answer.
He realised only last year, when I was 25 years old, that I was scared of him in that state. He cut his finger with the razor, started shouting and asked me to go get a plaster. I got immobilised. I looked at me, then his expression tunred into one of surprise. “Are you afraid of me?” I said yes. From then on he stopped shouting.
There have been other times. Once he stopped in the middle of the road, got off the scooter and left me there. Another time he shouted at me and tried to hit me in front of my friends. Another he accused me to have lost a bowl while I was in videochat with my boyfriend only to find out his friend was using it.
And the list goes on ad on. He took this way of being from his dad, who settled anything with shouting. And this way of being also came from his tiredness. My dad always felt like he had more responsabilities than those which he actually has.
For starters, he worries sick about my mum even though they are separated and she treats him badly. He thought he could fix my depression, and believe me, it is not by shouting at me every time I cried or felt bad that that can be possible. His brother was an alcolist and he alwats felt partially guilty for it.
Last year we went on holidays together, the first time he went on holidays in over four years. That’s when the cutting with the razor happened. Since the holiday he stopped shouting and started smiling more. He also stopped working too late or too early, getting proper sleep.
I saw my dad being born again. He is optmistic, fun and caring when he is fine. And he became just like that again after taking some rest. He realised how far he went only after he went back to normality.
From this I learnt how important is to take a break. If we do not take it we might get used to a fast rhytm for a while until we cannot anymore and we break down, and in doing so we might hurt some people.
Please, share your experience with me. What helps you relax? Have you ever gotten very angry because you did not have enough rest?