Falling in love again

This post is not going to be about how I am happily in love and how my story started in the most romantic of the ways. This post is about the ugly I had to go through to learn how to be in a relationship after going through the lowest point in which my depression has led me.

I met my current boyfriend after I came out of a relationship with someone who was no good to me. He had some depressive traits too, but he did not want to acknowledge them.

He told me my depression made me an “empty body”. I believed him. I thought I could never be in a relationship until I was depressed, and that I felt would be never.

After me and my ex broke up I started using tinder to have meaningless encounters, which made me hate myself even more.

But I couldn’t stop, as I wanted to feel something, anything but hate and numbness. I just thought I would be alone.

Until I met my current boyfriend. It was awful at the beginning. I knew I liked him, but I did not know how to show him, since my depression made me unable to show love.

We met in October and then again in Decenber. By the time we met again I gained twenty kilos. I was so ashamed I didn’t want to meet him. But I did. And I’m so happy I did.

Even though we hit it off, it was still hard. I was very needy, I needed constant attention and reassurance, and my mood was very low.

Still, he stuck around, because somehow he saw me for who I was rather that for my depression made of me.

I was expecting for him to leave at any time. I was ready to let him. But he did not. Still, it wasn’t easy. I felt like I couldn’t give him tje love he deserved.

Once I cried every day of the holiday I went on with him. I talk about this also in the post about depression and relationships.

I didn’t treat him well at times, because I was so sad I just resented anyone and anything. Still, he stuck around.

It was then that I understood he wasn’t going anywhere, and that I needed to change, because I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. And because I owed it to myself.

I started working on myself for real. So far it is working. And I am glad for it. So if someone leaves you because you are depressed, it doesn’t mean you will be alone forever.

Just stick at it, make yourself better. I think my boyfriend stayed because he saw me trying.

Love is for everyone, even for the ones with a mental health condition. Please, let me know your thoughts and share your experience.

5 responses to “Falling in love again”

  1. It’s such a powerful thing when someone is able to see through the depression to the true person underneath. I met my last boyfriend when we were both inpatients on a psych ward. Everyone else just saw my illness, but somehow he managed to see me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is beautiful, I’m so happy for you 🥰

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wonderful work. Just wished drop a remark and say I’m new to your diary and revere what I’m perusing. A debt of gratitude is in order for the offer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much it means a lot ❤

      Like

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