Finding purpose

At around 16 years old I became obsessed with finding my purpose. I ached for it, I just wanted to wake up everyday with a goal and pursue it.

But, I couldn’t find it. And that made me extremely sad.

Everyone around me seemed to thrive in something: English, an instrument, horseriding, volleyball, writing, maths. But not me. I was average in everything, and nothing interested me for real.

I thought I just had to wait. After all, purpose is something innate, no? Soem gift that you discover along the way.

Well, that is wrong. Finding purpose requires time, effort, bravery, will to fail and try new things. I just didn’t know back then.

The psychologist said that I did not develop a sense of desiring something because as an only child my parents were paying so much attention to me that I received everything without even asking. Sometimes without even wanting it.

And so I never developed desire. I never wanted something and earned it because I had it before even thinking about it.

Some might say I was a lucky child. I have to say that I would have exchanged all of that for my parents coming back together. But that’s another story.

Anyway, I felt useless and I started asking myself why I didn’t have a passion. Why I didn’t have a purpose.

I thought that there was something wrong connected to my absence of desire that just couldn’t be fixed. While most of my peers cared about what 16 years old teens do, I wanted a purpose for life.

It’s a pretty heavy thing to be wanting to find at such a young age, but I guess depression made me grow up pretty early.

I went on years yearning for a purpose. The truth was that it was there all along, I just couldn’t dare to look at it.

I wasn’t brave enough. I wasn’t willing to work on it and try it, nor spend time on it. Because I thought purpose would come effortlessly, so that thing I had was not my purpose. Also, depression wouldn’t allow me to do it properly.

My purpose is to help others. I’ve always had it, in a way. I started volunteering at 17. I’ve always put others in front of me. So many times I kept my pain for myself not to bother others.

Looking back, I couldn’t help others while deep in depression because depression was taking all my energy just to take care of myself.

It took years of volunteering to understand that this is my road. I always thought about volunteering as something to do as a hobby, and so not worth to pursue.

Last year I snapped put of depression, and my purpose suddenly became clear. Or, at least, it felt like it was sudden. Turns out it was there all along.

But last year I had finally took time to volunteer, I put effort, I tried new things and stepped out of my comfort zone. That’s how I know it’s my road, a job in charity.

Because I now feel it, that push that makes me want to wake up in the morning: I wake up to help others.

It took years to come to this conclusion, and I have tried so many different routes to come to this conclusion.

Don’t wait for your purpose to come to you. Seek ir, work on it, try, fail, try again. After all, how can you say that something is not your purpose if you don’t try it?

Please, let me know your thoughts about it!

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