Years ago when depression was getting bad I used to write it all down to empty myself of that awful feeling. Once it happened that while in pain I wrote how if felt like to live with this mental health condition, and it was just like insiration took my hand and guided me through it. Reading it now still gives me chills because it is possibly the most hones piece I have written about my condition. Curiosly, the description I gave as a wall or bubble resembles the comparison made in the song From Under Liquid Glass by Peace, in the sense that I, too, felt like being behind a glass. I named this piece On Beauty, and I wrote it while sat on the roof of a building from which I took the picture here posted.
I swear I see the beauty around me. Heck, I seek it. Often, I look at the sky at sunset and every time I am surprised in front of such beauty. I am surprised when I see the full moon rising, and it’s big and shiny in the night sky. I am surprised when I can see the mountains, when there is no fog, so far and yet they seem so close, white because of the snow. I am enchanted by blossoming trees, by the perfect song on the radio, by the words of a stranger talking about love. I lose myself looking at people who are passionate about what they are doing. I notice all of this. I see the beauty. Yet, all this enchantment, all this surprise, they are never too deep. They cannot touch my heart. I feel like I am so close to fall in love with life and yet I cannot, I can only see it happening. I can see, but I cannot feel for real. I am in a glass bell; everything is outside but inside there is nothing. I don’t stop looking, listening, seeking enchantment and surprise, and hoping that something someday will touch my heart for real. I don’t close my eyes; I keep them wide open. And it’s frustrating. I’s frustrating to know that there is the world around me, but I cannot live it fully, because I am missing something. I miss feeling.
This is how numb depression made me feel. I found out after that the solutions lies in living in spite of depression. Doing things and go to those montains and love others even though you do not feel fully, because slowly all these things will start to have an effect and you will be back feeling for real. This is how I battled it, doing things even thought I did not feel like it. Not putting my life on hold, because depression does not deserve it. It took a while, but it finally paid off.