It was while walking through the university campus that the first thought came up in my mind. It was nothing, just a connection. I recognised a person who was walking in the other direction. Then I remembered their name, when I met them, doing what, which other people were there, what I thought about them, how I felt, and even which day it was. It seems easy, but it wasn’t. Not for me. My brain had been fogged for years, so much that I could not remember things happened the day before. I always liked people, and I have always been pretty great at rembmering all the little things, even if I met them for a short period of time. But depression would not allow me to remember, and to make connections between events. Depression fogged my brain. Each day was like a numb,
blank slate, and the day before
could not affect me, as nothing happened.
It was great as I could numb away the pain stemming from from negative things, but the same happened with positive things,
making me disconnected from joy.
Until that day on campus. My mind never stopped after that. I made connections everywhere, and I managed to dug up forgotten memories of the past that helped to understand better why and how my mind went numb. Like that day at the supermarket, almost ten years ago. I met my dad by chance by the vegetable aisle. My parents had separated three years before, and my mum got custody, which meant that I saw my dad once every two weeks. By that age I still had not understood that my dad was suffering because of this situation, and that is why we would not talk much during the rest of the two weeks. When I saw him at that supermarket I felt a feeling that is similar to the one I felt on campus. I felt as I snapped out of something. I saw his face, and I felt like I would never allow him to have that expression when he looked at me again, an expression of joy mixed with deep sadness, of someone that loves you but knows they cannot come closer to you. Likewise, when I finally worded my feelings about that walk on campus, I felt like I snapped out of my fog, and I felt like I will never allow my mind to go back to not remembering.
That day I understood that my depression is fading. That day was one of the best.